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| Short Stories : It goes on |
"Don't do that, Joe. The guy is kind of creepy to me. I'm scared." Celia whispered and pulled my arm. "I have to follow him. Something about him attracts me so much that I can't help it." I freed myself from Celia's tight grip. I couldn't stop looking at him. He was different. Long black, well-groomed hair that fell smoothly on his shoulders, silver rings on his fingers, a long black coat, black leather boots, actually everything in black, and pale, almost white skin. But his eyes ... From the first sight they held me captive. "I mean, take a look at him. He scares me. He is dressed all in black and totally pale. And these rings that he wears." Celia was exaggerating again. But it was precisely his appearance that magically attracted me. "But you'd be a good match for him. You're always dressed in black, too. And he was looking at you the whole time earlier." Yes, I noticed that. Often our eyes met. It seemed as if he was holding me with his eyes, and what I felt grew stronger and stronger. I had the feeling that he wanted to let me feel something. "Come on, let's go. This is getting too much for me now. The guy has a totally weird charisma. Something's wrong here." I looked annoyed at Celia. "Come on, stop it. You can go home if you want, but I'll stay here." Celia stared at me in amazement. "What's the matter with you all of a sudden? What are you saying?" She was right. What was the matter with me all of a sudden? She was my best friend and I had no right to complain to her like that. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's the matter with me myself. It's this guy." Celia put her hands on her hips. "You're not telling me you have a crush on him, are you?" "Crush? Ok, he looks good and I've already figured out in my mind what I would most like to do with him, if i were alone with him But crush? I don't know him at all. "Celia held my cheeks." That's exactly what worries me very much. You used to be so careful about men. But today you are changed. You're even thinking about sex. As soon as he entered the room and looked at you, you were transformed. You haven't looked at a man since ... "I knew what she meant," Since Rick? "" Yeah, exactly. Sorry if I bring up this topic. But that's the way it is. Of course I am happy that you have just rediscovered the good things in life. But the? Just such a scary guy? "I thought about it. Somewhere she was right. More than a year had passed since Rick's death and it had taken me a long time to be able to live reasonably again. Men hadn't been on my mind since then what had suddenly changed that evening.
That something seemed to be wrong with this man might be true, and that I had been transformed since he looked at me was also true, but for that very reason I wanted to find out more about him.
"Joe? Joe!" Celia waved her hand in front of my face. "Are you there?" She tore me from my thoughts. "He's gone. Haven't you noticed?" Indeed. When I looked around, he was nowhere to be seen. I had been so lost in my thoughts that I hadn't even noticed he was leaving.
"I don't know what you're up to. But I'm going home now. Are you coming with me?" Celia already had her jacket in her hand and was waiting for my answer. "No. I'll stay a little longer if you don't mind." "It's a shame. But I don't mind." She pressed an almost sisterly kiss on the cheek, then said: "Take care of yourself. OK?" And she was gone.
In reality, I just wanted to stay because I was hoping to see this mysterious man again. One look from him was enough and I was only fixated on him. I finished my glass and brought it back to the counter, whereupon I ordered another drink.
"For me the same." it sounded next to me. I was almost startled when I realized who was suddenly standing next to me. It was him.
Celia was right. He was really very pale. His black clothes and dark brown eyes emphasized this even more. But his voice was gentle and he looked at me with a careful smile. Who is this man? It shot through my head, and as if he could read minds he said: "My name is Eric." He gave me his hand. "Joe." I replied and gave him my hand too. I must have had very cold hands, because his hand seemed as hot as fire. An indefinable feeling arose in me when our hands touched and lasted a few seconds after our hands had stopped touching.
There was something very special about him, which I only now realized where he was standing next to me. He sent out signals that triggered very strange feelings and thoughts in me.
I took a long swig from my glass and put it back on the counter. The alcohol in my drink was now starting to take effect. Or was it the mixture of alcohol and these feelings that this man made in me? I wasn't sure anymore myself, and I didn't care anymore.
I would normally have found the way he looked at me repulsive, but it was different with him. I could literally feel how he took off my clothes and shreds of images shot through my head, what he would do to me. Was that my thoughts or his? What had he done to me? At the same time, however, I also felt a kind of deep connection. As deep as it could not have come from this world.
At some point this flood of emotions began to scare me and I just wanted to get out of here. With an excuse I said goodbye and took my jacket. "You want to go already?" he asked, holding my arm. I looked at him and felt that he really didn't want to let me go. "I want to show you something." What did he mean by that? "Listen. You can show me another time, but I really have to go now." He let go of me and looked down. At that moment, the spell that had been holding me all this time also disappeared. It felt like he had loosened the shackles he'd used to tie me up all along. And I left as fast as I could.
But the night should not end at this point.
When I checked my watch I found that it had stopped a little after ten. The pointers on the church clock were already at ten past twelve. At first I thought the battery was dead, but when I checked my watch a second time, it kept working. "The best thing to do is to get myself introduced to the slaps right away." I said quietly to myself and went on. My way led me through the park. It was very quiet and at that time no one was out. Except for me, of course. I liked to be out at night and enjoyed the peace and solitude that came from the dark.
In order to be able to enjoy this moment of calm a little longer, I sat down on a bench next to a large old tree. It was nice to look out into the dark. It seemed so endless and peaceful. The stars twinkled and the moon stood in its full glory in the sky, as if it only wanted to shine for me. I closed my eyes and literally sucked in the energy that emanated from this light. I did that more often and sometimes when I had the feeling to be completely lost and when my inner pain seemed to never end, I had the impression that this light gave me comfort when it accompanied me through the night, and gave me pain took.
After opening my eyes again, I didn't feel alone anymore and a little happier. Just as I was about to get up to go on, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I knew immediately who it was. I almost fell off the bench in shock because I hadn't heard him approach. And immediately I felt the same as before in the club. That spell that tied me to him. But I would have preferred to run away because the feeling was so strong that it almost scared me. "Why do you scare me so? Did you run after me?" He took his hand back again. "I did not mean to scare you." "Then why did you sneak up on you from behind?" "I didn't mean to interrupt you." Now I was wondering. Had he been watching me the whole time, as I sat on the bench and let the moon shine on me? Did he notice how I was enjoying it? "Don't stop at what?" I asked briefly. "During your short break." I wondered why he had followed me, and again he gave me the answer, as if he could mind reading: "I didn't really want to follow you. But when I got outside I saw you. I just had to get behind you run here. " "There are people who feel threatened by something like this." Eric smiled knowingly: "You don't. You love the night more than the day and someone who runs after you during the night doesn't scare you. You haven't wanted to go home yet. You actually never want to go home. You are always on the go because you are looking for answers to questions that only you can answer yourself. " I looked at him in disbelief and surprised at the same time. "So now you're scared me a little. How do you know that? I mean, nobody could have told you that. Except ..." It dawned on me. Rick knew about me then like no other person in the world. "Except for Rick?
No. I never met him. "I felt my heart start beating wildly out of insecurity, discomfort, fear of this man. This discomfort and the fact that it was now about Rick made me feel so I had to go to them Seated the bench. Eric sat down next to me. "How do you know about Rick if you've never met him? I asked softly. But I got no answer. He sat next to me and was silent. Suddenly I felt the urge to go to the cemetery and look for the place where Rick was buried. I hadn't been there in a long time because I thought that this might be a better way to get over his death. But now I wanted to go there. Without a word, I got up and started walking, and I knew Eric was mine would also follow this path. How did I know? I just knew it. They were unspoken words, but you could hear them anyway.
At this time in the middle of the night there was of course no one in the cemetery, except for a few crows that sat on a few gravestones. Eric silently followed me. Even if I didn't see him behind me, I felt that he was there. I didn't ask any more questions and I didn't want to know what kind of feelings he aroused in me and why I could feel his presence so. All I knew was that something very special was going on that night.
When I stood in front of Rick's grave all the pain came up inside me. I felt the same as when I first saw him and at the same time the same pain as when I pulled him out of the car and he was no longer breathing. I burst into tears and fell on my knees. "Why did it have to come like this?" I moaned with a trembling voice and held my hands in front of my face so that Eric couldn't see my tears.
At the same moment as he put a hand on my shoulder, he said quietly: "Even if you drove the car back then, it wasn't your fault." And a feeling of comfort flowed through my body from his hand. "You have to let go of him. Otherwise he will never find rest." I took my hands off my face, stood up, and turned around. "Is that why you are here?" "No." My eyes burned and my cheeks were definitely red and there used to be moments when I was ashamed of looking like this. But not right now. I looked at Eric and he looked at me. In his eyes I saw something like compassion, but also serious. "I can see that you are not ready yet. You are not yet strong enough to go any further." His voice sounded serious and instructive. "What do you mean by that?" I asked him when I had composed myself again. "You stopped at a point where you think you can't go any further. But it's not that simple. You can't mourn forever about your past and what you have lost. But don't you think that this will help you?" rather you have gained something? " He held my shoulders with a firm grip. "Wake up, Joe. Don't let that stop you. It doesn't matter how I know all the things that only you can know. Right now, it depends on how you continue. If you look ahead and move on." , then you will also get the answer to this question. But if you carry on as before, then you will never know and will ask yourself your whole life. " I took a deep breath. He was right about what he said. I really stopped and never wanted to let go. But actually it was just the pain that I held on to. I thought if I held onto the pain I would never forget. I was just scared of forgetting Rick and what I had experienced with him.
"You will never forget. But you have to go on living." I freed myself from his tight grip and took a step back. "What are you actually doing here?" I crossed my arms over my chest because I was cold. Eric took off his coat and put it over my shoulders. "It's all about you. I've been waiting for so long for you to free yourself to finally be ready to learn and experience new things. It's about what I have learned and experienced. You should have belonged to us long ago. Actually you should have found us. But we had to look for you. And now I'm here to prepare you for it. " I wrapped his coat very tightly around me. "You speak in riddles for me. What should I learn?" "You'll see. But I think you should go home and sleep now. You are very tired."
Eric walked next to me all the way. We were silent. The whole time I thought about what he had said. And I wondered how he knew all this. In the end, there was only one answer I came up with. "Can you read minds?" I asked him and he looked at me in surprise: "You already have an answer. But I can by no means see everything you think. Only things that are associated with strong feelings, such as fear, memories, pain, love , and what you were thinking in the club. " I was a little embarrassed now. Had he seen me imagine what I would do to him if I were alone with him? "Exactly." "I'm sorry. I'm not usually like that. That was the first time I thought of something like that again. Or was it a test?" "No. I don't test anyone. Sometimes I don't have control over what I'm sending out. I'm only human. I actually didn't want to send you something like that. Sometimes just one look in the eye is enough it happened. But at least you noticed me. " I had to smile. At the same time I also felt that he was ashamed because he had thought the same thing. "You don't need to be ashamed. I haven't been better. You only sent what you felt, but I sent what I thought. And you shamelessly absorbed it." He looked at me and I felt that at that moment I was a small step further.
Everything he said to me seemed so strange to me, and yet so familiar. Then I stopped. I stopped and just looked at him. I held his coat tightly. Although I was a complete stranger to Eric, I did know him. I was facing a stranger with whom I somehow felt deeply connected. It was not a connection out of love or some other feeling, but a connection on a much higher level. Then I found that he looked very much like Rick. His long black hair, his slim tall stature and also his eyes. What surprised me most was that for the first time I didn't feel any more pain when I thought of Rick. It was gone. That terrible feeling of forlornness and pain was gone. Was it he who took the pain away from me? Or was it me who got over the pain? What did he do to me in the cemetery? Where did he come from And where did he want to take me?
"We should move on now." Eric then said softly and averted his gaze from me. Well, so we went on.
Even though I would have loved to spend more time with Eric, I was glad when we got to my home. I gave him back his coat and thanked him. He put it back on immediately because he was cold. I wasn't sure if I should ask him when we could see each other again. And again he had read my mind, because he said: "Tomorrow in the park in the same place?" It didn't surprise me and I replied, "Yes." "Good. Good night to you." I took the key out of my jacket pocket and put it in the lock. "I wish you a good night too." I said after I had the door ajar, but he was already gone. But I was sure he'd still heard it. He could read minds.
I went into my bedroom and hung my jacket on the hook behind the door. After finding comfortable pajamas and fresh underwear from the closet, I hopped under the shower. It was so good to let the hot water shower me. For a while I just stood there, letting the water flow over my body and enjoying the feeling of warmth and comfort. After washing myself, I wrapped myself in the large, soft towel and stood in front of the mirror. I looked at my face and watched the drops of my wet hair roll down my cheeks. I wiped them off with my hands and then applied cream to my face. I braided my hair upside down in a long braid after rubbing it dry, and then slipped into my fresh, warmed clothes. I had hung them on the towel dryer before because I loved to slip into warm clothes after taking a shower. Then I just wanted to go to bed.
I lay awake for a long time, turning from side to side, and questions plagued me. What did he mean? And who were? Why could he read minds and how did he manage to look inside me so deeply? And most importantly, what time should I be in the park tomorrow? But I had already figured that he knew that too. He probably knew when I was going to the park.
At some point I fell asleep and began to dream. I first dreamed of Rick. But it wasn't one of those nightmares that plagued me every night. We held each other tightly and at some point I let go of him. He said goodbye to me with a smile and then slowly disappeared into the distance. After he was no longer to be seen, I turned around and started walking. There was nothing to be seen around me, except a narrow path. I followed this path and at some point met all my friends. I met my friends who I still knew from K1, I met the people with whom I had done my training until I got to the place where it all began. Then there was no one left. Just me. Alone in this big camp. I started walking around looking carefully at everything. The hall in which we were trained in combat, the office in which my father had his place, the bungalow in which I and a few other girls and women were accommodated, where I had met Celia. I went on to the shooting range, then to the sports field and in the end I arrived in the middle of the large roll call area. But suddenly there was no longer the focus in this event, but I became a spectator. Big buses came up and people got out. They were recruits and when I looked more closely I could see that it was us on the day we started our training. First the men got off one bus, then the women from another.
But I didn't want to stay here either, and so the little path appeared again in front of me. I followed the path and came to an intersection with two branches. I realized that I was standing where the car accident had happened. Only this time I did not see the deadly curve in front of me, but just this junction. Like a magnet, I was drawn into one of these junctions and in the end I found myself in a dead end. At the end of this impasse there was something like a canvas on a wall and it reflected my life last year. I saw myself. Weeping, bitter and drunk. I drank a lot after Rick's dead. And I saw myself throwing everything that was important to me. I left the K1, completely broke off contact with Celia, even the contact with the entire outside world. Then I remembered the junction again. I could no longer watch what was going on on this screen, so I turned around and wanted to get out of this cul-de-sac. I was struggling to get on. Every single step brought me forward only inches. But then I remembered what Eric said: I should finally wake up and move on. So I started running. It seemed to me that I was finally getting on, but the path seemed to drag on. But I did it. I arrived at the junction, and then the path that had led me to the cul-de-sac disappeared behind me. There was only one direction left, and it was forward. And because I wanted to know where it was going to take me, I ran.
Unfortunately, I never came to the end of this path, because shortly afterwards I woke up again. The phone kept ringing. I had to get up and go into the kitchen to pick up the phone. "Hello?" I said sleepily. "Well? Already awake?" It was Celia. And then I had to remember the dream. I broke off contact with her some time ago after moving into my parents' house. Every time she called I hung up the phone and when I saw her somewhere on the street I avoided her. I had no right to ignore them like that. At some point she found me on the street at night, staggering drunk through the alley. She took me home and stayed with me all night. From then on we met again every day and she helped me get away from alcohol. She had never taken angry at me that I wanted nothing more to do with her and she never asked why.
"Celia? I'm sorry." I said ashamed. "What are you sorry for? Did you do something wrong?" "No. I need to talk to you." "What is it about?" I took a deep breath. "It's about us. But I can't tell you over the phone." And no sooner had I finished the sentence than she said: "Ok. I'll come to you." And already she hung up.
I went back to the bedroom and got dressed first. Since the windows were a bit fogged up, I assumed that it was cold outside and I put on pants and a warm sweater. I never had to worry whether what I was wearing matched in color, because I only had black things in the closet anyway. After the accident, I had lost a lot of weight and had to buy new clothes to wear, and I only bought black clothes.
As soon as I was back in the kitchen and wanted to make myself some tea, the doorbell rang. I left the kettle and opened it. Of course it was Celia. Sometimes I wondered how she could be with me so quickly. She was always there when I needed her.
She came in and rubbed her hands. "Wow it's cold outside today." Before she could take off her coat, I hugged her very tightly. A few tears rolled down my cheeks, and when Celia looked at me she asked, "Hey. What's wrong with you?" "Let's go to the kitchen. I have to tell you something that I should have told you a long time ago." Celia took off her coat and scarf and followed me into the kitchen. I offered her hot tea and sat down on a chair next to her. "And what did you want to tell me?" she asked curiously. After taking a deep breath, I began: "I know that I hadn't behaved properly in the last year. I made life difficult for you with my problems. And those weren't small problems. No matter how I was to you or what I built for shit: you were always there and helped me. I never noticed how difficult it must have been for you, too. Especially when you picked me up while you were drunk. The night you brought me home you stayed with me and made sure that I stay in bed too. I threw such terrible things at you. Still you stayed with me, even if you cried all night. " Now I had to cry too. Celia had lowered her gaze and was staring into the teacup. "I never apologized for what I did to you, and I never thanked you for what you did for me. Without you I would not have made it. Without you I would have felt that one night maybe killed as I intended. " Celia got up. She put her cup on the table and pulled me up. She took me very tightly in her arms and gave me a hug. "I would always have done that for you. I love you like my own sister. And what you said to me at the time hurt me a lot, but I knew that you never meant it that way.
You were so drunk and when someone is drunk they always say things they don't mean. "Then she looked at me." Was it really your life that you were going to take? "I nodded and I was so ashamed of it." I felt that there was no other way out. I thought that was the only way to get rid of the pain. And I wanted so much to be with Rick again. But now I'm so glad you stopped me. You saved my life I don't think anyone else would have stood by my side like that. "And again she hugged me tightly in her arms." Oh Joe. I could never have left you alone. You always meant too much to me for that. "" I behaved so badly and I'm so sorry now. I'm so ashamed of it. "" You don't need to. You don't need to be ashamed of it. ”“ I owe you so much that I couldn't make it up to you in just one lifetime. ”It was so good that it was finally out and I felt so liberated. Never I had talked to her about this time. I was never ready to do it before. But already now.
Then we sat down again. We both sat and looked at each other with tears in our eyes. But then we both had to laugh. "If someone sees us now. What would he think now? First we cry and then we laugh." I said.
"A pro see. Have you seen the guy from last night again?" "Yes, of course. You won't believe what happened after that." Celia listened curiously as I told her the story, and she never interrupted me with questions as she always did. "Wow. That sounds scary." "Yes. You can say that." And after I told her about my dream, she asked me: "Do you think he did anything to you?" I shook my head, perplexed. "I don't know. But there is something about him, which I also have. Now and then I had the feeling that we have so much in common. I know it all sounds so improbable. I can't figure it out myself . " "I think you should meet again." I grinned. "We do that today too. We made an appointment in the park, but I don't even know what time. I'll just go there at noon today. Maybe then he'll be there." Celia had a mischievous grin on her face and her eyes were shining. "Joe is on a date?" Immediately I denied: "No. You can't call it that. He said that he wanted to show me something. And now of course I want to know what he means by that." Celia looked at her watch and suddenly she was in a hurry. "My mother is coming to lunch today. If I don't hurry now, I won't be able to cook something in time and I'll have to order pizza." She shot off like lightning, got dressed, said goodbye to me, and was gone again.
I was so glad that I had finally told her what I always wanted to say to her. And I was glad that there were no more guilt feelings between our close friendship. Celia was something special and I was happy to have a friend like her.
I spent the rest of the morning cleaning, and after lunch I decided to just go to the park at some point. I just let my instincts guide me and went off without sticking to any time. It was really cold outside and you could see your breath. I left my hair open so I didn't have to wear a hat.
I went to my favorite bench next to the big tree in the park and sat down. And I didn't have to wait long, Eric was already there. Like the night before, I didn't hear him coming, but I suddenly felt his presence just before he put his hand on my shoulder. I closed my eyes and smiled, because a pleasantly warm feeling flooded my body. This must have been his way of saying "hello".
He sat down next to me and smiled at me. "You are looking great today." He hadn't addressed my outward appearance, but meant my state of mind and how it was reflected in my eyes. I really felt a lot better today. "You even radiate something of happiness today." "Yes. I feel better today than I have for a long time. For the first time I feel something like peace in me." In his eyes I saw that he was happy too. "I now know what you meant yesterday when you said I should finally wake up. I realized how terrible I have behaved in the past time. And I apologized to Celia for it." Eric smiled and nodded knowingly. "That is very good. You are on the right track." "Speaking of which way. I had a dream last night." And again Eric smiled knowingly at me. "I know." "Is there anything you don't know?" "There is a lot I don't know. Everything I know about you I only know because you let me know." "And can you control that?" I asked now. "Of course. You can control anything you want. But first you have to learn to control your life before you go new ways." He spoke so wisely and it seemed to me as if he too had to go through the same thing as me. "It happened to me a long time ago, too. I hadn't seen a way out either and wanted to put an end to everything. Just like you. In retrospect, however, it became clear to me that I had no right to just shut it down I had to face myself. And I managed to get beyond myself. You put yourself in your way. But now you too are about to win the fight against you. Only if you can manage the past to leave behind everything that was and what was not, and if you manage to leave your old self behind, then you can emerge victorious from this fight. But before you leave it all behind you, you have to finish with it first. Suppressing, or even forgetting, does not apply. Because then at some point it will catch up with you and you could even perish. Then you lost forever. Only when everything has been processed and completed can you start all over again and become happy, and even happily think back to your past. "His words touched me deeply. They came from deepest conviction and I now knew what he meant by me is not ready yet. "You mean, I am only ready to go further when I have completely finished my old life and can open myself freely and unconditionally to a new beginning?" "That is exactly what I mean. And now you probably also know what I meant by the questions and answers and by the search. "" Yes. Actually, I'm not even looking for answers to my questions. But I've always dwelled on it myself. I have realized that my questions only served to hold myself firmly at one point and that in the narrower sense there are actually no answers as I would have expected, but I am the answer myself. So I've been carrying the answer around with me the whole time without knowing it? "" You recognized it. I think you'll be ready to come to us sooner than I thought. "I looked into his eyes, hoping to find out what he meant. But he didn't reveal anything to me." I'm not allowed to tell you now, otherwise I get in trouble. "" Will you tell me at some point? "" Definitely. "" Why are you here anyway? "" That too is part of what I am not allowed to tell you yet. "" Sorry. I'm showering you with questions again.
Actually, I should be satisfied with what you've shown me so far. "
A little embarrassed, I looked to the side.
"We should take a little walk." said Eric and got up. He gave me his hand and waited for me to get up too. "Yes. You're right. It's very cold and I need some exercise before I freeze to the bench."
As we walked aimlessly through the park, I suddenly had to think back to the old days in the troop. It filled me with pride, but I was glad that I made the leap into a risk-free life. The training was damn hard and often pushed me to my mental and physical limits. And the missions were mostly unpredictably dangerous. Who knows if I would have been alive now if I had stayed at K1. Who knows if I wouldn't have been fatally hit by a bullet at some point. Who knows if I wouldn't have been trapped in some dungeon by now. "You shouldn't ask yourself these questions in the first place. You have chosen a different path and it's not worth thinking about. Fortunately, you left, otherwise you wouldn't be here now." Eric sounded very serious. Again he had crept into my mind and read it. "How can I learn that not everyone can read my mind? Is there such a thing as a firewall so that everyone doesn't get into my head?" Eric smiled at me. His brown eyes were apologetic and his pale skin was starting to redden slightly on his cheeks. "I'm sorry. I won't try to read you from now on. Especially since you open up so invitingly, like an exciting book. Maybe you want it too?" "Hm." In order to steer the conversation towards him, I countered with a counter-question: "What about you? The only thing I know about you so far is what you said to me. And ..." Should I really address that? "... what you told me in the club. By that I mean the scraps of thought you sent me." "As already said: I am only human and have let myself be seduced by my feelings." "Is that why you shut yourself off from me?" Eric kept walking. "No. There are things that you shouldn't find out now. You wouldn't understand them. That's why I can't allow, that you read in my mind. It has nothing to do with you or me. It's only for your own good. "" Good, "I said, crossing my arms over my chest," then I'll probably have to deal with it. "Eric stopped and grabbed my shoulders." You don't. Even if you say so, you are far too curious to do so. It's not your way of just messing with anything. I really like you very much. More than you might think. And I don't want to withhold anything from you. I don't want to harm you. That's why I'll only tell you everything when you're up there. "He tapped my forehead with a finger and looked into my surprised looking eyes. He liked me more than I might have thought? Then he continued:" Every time when I look into your eyes I have to be careful not to get lost in them. And it's damn hard for me not to open up to you. I would love to share more with you. But it doesn't work. "He only spoke very softly. My pulse was racing and I couldn't utter a word. But what was the matter now? He looked at me with a questioning look, but then he smiled again." Well then . Now you know how to do it. For the first time you didn't let me see what was going on inside you. "" But you. "I said. I freed myself from his tight grip and took a step back." At that moment you told me more than you actually did wanted. You shouldn't have done that. You're right. I'm really not ready yet. There are feelings that I just can't allow myself to yet. I need a couple of days to think about what has happened since yesterday. We'd better end our meeting now. I want to go home. "When I was about to turn around, Eric gently took my hand." I'm sorry. I did not want that. I don't want you to be angry with me now. Are you mad at me? "" No. I am only mad at myself.
I opened up too much to you. I shouldn't have done that. And now I run the risk of allowing something I'm not ready for. "Eric let go of my hand again." You're right. I should have been more careful. I didn't think how you were doing. "
On the one hand, I regretted it and could have slapped myself for it, but on the other hand, I felt better about setting a point at this point. So I turned around and slowly walked home. It wasn't until I started to walk that I noticed that I was almost in front of my house anyway. Did Eric know where our conversation was leading us? I felt that it was still in the same place as before when I turned around and started walking. I felt it until I closed the door behind me.
Without undressing, I dropped onto the couch. What was that just now? I wondered. What was happening to me here? And that's when I realized I really had a crush on him. The whole time I didn't even dare to think about it and now it flooded me like an unforeseen flood. "What a stupid cow I am. I just left him there and walked away." I now understood a little more what he meant by fighting with himself. And I decided to face this fight. I was fed up with feeling sorry for myself and I wanted to feel some of the happiness again that I denied myself. But it was harder than I would like. I still had too many concerns and ... fear. But fear of what? That I lost myself again in a person who might one day be taken from me? "It doesn't work at all. I can't run away from the life that I really want so badly." I was so mad at myself that I hadn't been able to be honest with myself all along and admit to myself how stupid I was all along.
But how could I be so dumb as to fall in love with Eric? When I didn't know anything about him except his first name. I didn't know what he was doing all day and where he lived. I didn't know anything about him. Was that what he wanted to show me? That he knew everything about me and I knew nothing about him? No. Why then? But ... wait a minute. Clear. Now it struck me like scales before my eyes. It wasn't him who didn't want to open up to me, but rather I was the one who signaled to him not to open up to me. That's why he said that it was so difficult for him not to open up to me. I was the one who screwed up everything here.
I took off my scarf and threw it on the floor. "Damn it. What have I been doing?" I found myself swearing and I hoped no one outside had heard, because I wasn't exactly cursing softly. Then I picked up the scarf again, took off my jacket, and hung it in the cloakroom.
I felt very sorry for Eric because I was to blame for everything myself. Just because I wasn't being honest with myself. But that finally went into my head. And then I had the picture in front of me of Eric tapping my forehead and saying that I wasn't ready up there yet. I regretted my stupid reaction so much that I made up my mind to go back to the park. But I wanted to wait until evening because I still had a few things to do at home.
The dishes had to go, I had to wash my clothes and of course I had to call Celia.
I went into the kitchen and picked up the phone. After I had dialed her number and touted it a few times, she finally picked it up. "Hello?" it rang the other end of the line. "Hi Celia. It's me, Joe." "Oh hi. How did your date go?" she asked immediately. "Well. It works. At first it was very nice. But when I noticed what he felt for me, and what I actually feel for him, I probably went nuts a bit. I left him and ran away . At home I noticed that I was actually just running away from myself. I regretted it bitterly. And now I'm totally sorry for him. " I heard Celia panting deeply. "Ouch. That doesn't sound too good. And what are you going to do now?" "I'd better go back to the park and apologize to him." "And you mean he's coming to the park too? What do you do if he doesn't come?" "Maybe I'll go to the club then ... Shit. I want to see him again. What should I do?" "You poorest. You must have been hit hard." "Yes ... Yes! Now it's out. It hit me all the way. Or better said: it hit me all over." "Then don't stand in your own way and take your luck into your hand. I'm so happy that you are finally starting to live again. I didn't want anything more for you. When we laughed so much at your place today I finally see happiness in your eyes again, and that makes me happy too. So don't make a mistake now and don't miss this chance. Even if it wouldn't work out so well for you in the end, at least you have it tried again. And that's progress enough. " "No matter what he did to me, it was good and he woke me up. And for that I just left him there." "Listen, Joe. I know I told you last night that something was wrong with him, and that I don't really care about him. But now I can see that it is really only good for you. He managed to change you within a day in such a way that you are barely recognized. You have practically become a completely new person and you have rediscovered life. I think you shouldn't just leave him out in the rain just because you want to protect yourself from feelings that once brought you pain. It doesn't mean that something like this will happen to you again. Just let it come your way. If you're okay with it, then let it happen. How long do you think I've been waiting for such a chance? "I had to giggle." You make far too high demands on the man's world. The right one for you has yet to be born. "Celia laughed too now." You are probably right. Or I would have to bake it myself. Because what I'm looking for doesn't exist in this world yet. "" Why don't you try the bakery? "This is the second time we laughed like in the old days and I felt almost as happy as I did before . But almost exactly the same. Because I still had to think of Eric. A feeling of insecurity suddenly seized me and my joy spilled over into sadness. I got serious again and asked Celia: "What if he even refused me after this rebuff today don't want to see anymore? Do you think I hurt him? "" Oh Joe. Don't worry now. He definitely won't hate you for that. That will be okay. And now you should dress up a little in case you go to the club again tonight. "" OK. Then I'll do it. I'll call you again tomorrow at noon. "" Good. Then I wish you a nice evening. "" I wish you the same. Until tomorrow."
But I didn't want to dress up because I wanted to see him again to apologize and not to seduce him.
When it got dark outside I put on warm clothes and went on my way. The whole time I was so unsure of what to say to him now. And I kept wondering if he would come too. I hoped that when I thought of him he would feel it and follow his instincts. Then I felt the same again as I did when he put his hand on my shoulder. But this time he wasn't near me. Nevertheless, I now knew that he would come too. I didn't care that it was totally cold and despite being terribly happy I sat down on the bench and waited. From now on I decided not to ask him any more stupid questions, but just let everything happen to me. And so I sat and waited. I waited and thought of him. "How nice it would be if you were there now." I whispered out into the night. "How nice it would be if I could just hold you now."
I got up again and was about to make my way to the club when Eric suddenly stood behind me. "Then do it." he said softly. I didn't hesitate and just hugged him for a long time. I hugged him tightly and sucked his warmth into me. It felt so good, and for the first time I felt like there was no longer an invisible barrier between us, just ... love. Eric held me tight. I felt that somewhere he was relieved and released, just like me. "I'm sorry, Eric. I shouldn't have left you just like that at noon today." "No. I should apologize. I just didn't have the right to press you like that. But it was so difficult for me to hide my feelings and thoughts from you. I should have controlled myself better." "But now you don't hide anything anymore. I was so stupid all along." Then we broke up a little.
When I opened my eyes again, I looked directly into his, and it was overwhelming how deep I could look into his soul. I now realized how long he had been waiting for this moment. "You have known me for a long time. Wasn't it?" I asked him, he just nodded. "Believe me. I would have spoken to you much sooner if I hadn't recognized the burden you were carrying around with you the first time I saw you. I knew that I would only destroy everything if I just stepped into your life like that But at some point I could no longer keep myself hidden. I had to draw your attention to me. And when I saw your reaction in the club, it was clear to me: now or never. " "You just put everything on the line? How did you know if it would go well?" "I didn't know. And today at noon I strongly doubted whether I had made a mistake after all. I actually didn't expect to see you again."
Suddenly I felt the need to just kiss him. Or was it he who wanted it? What else did I ask myself. I just kissed him. I enjoyed it with all my senses to feel his warm breath on my face and his soft lips on my mouth. Then suddenly I began to think again about what else I was going to do with him. I quickly broke away from him. He stood in front of me grinning. "This time it was you. You thought of it first. Not me." he said defensively. I would have loved to sink into the ground. I was so embarrassed. "Well then we are even now." Eric pulled me close again and kissed me.
It was so difficult for me not to think about it and so I just let it happen. Especially since I had decided that I would take everything as it came. And that was part of it. I felt Eric let go of the reins too, and so we kissed more and more passionately. I realized how much I had missed something like that and I let myself drift in the flow of feelings.
At some point the cold got over us and we decided to go to the club to warm up. "It would be too dangerous to go home to either of us now."
Author : Antje Lucariello
