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| Short Stories : Lost |
The yellow-orange sun fell gently through the colorful autumn leaves of the chestnut tree. A cool wind was blowing, so that Michelle buried her face in her scarf. She walked towards the big gray building called the school. A group of young people sat on the table tennis table in the schoolyard. Michelle greeted a girl from her history class with a smile. Every movement she did or everything she said felt like she was dreaming. She heard the world and the events around her only muffled. And the nice "hello" from her classmate also found it difficult to get through to her.
She sat on a bench in the school's large foyer. It was quiet in the school building. No one but her was in the foyer. She was alone with her thoughts and grateful for it. Otherwise she always had the feeling that the others can guess what she is thinking when they look at her.
Two more minutes then the doorbell would ring at break. She felt sick when she thought about what she had come here for today. Of course she was here to study, as is customary in school. But this wasn't the normal nausea at the thought of school, it was a completely different kind.
She knew full well this is going to be difficult to explain, if it can be explained at all!
She remembered the last words of her father, who had been waiting for her this morning right after she got up to forbid her to spend so much time in school. He had said urgently and grabbed her arm in the process:
“I've watched this long enough. Now is the end of for once! "With that he had spoken. There was nothing to be shaken about. And if she hadn't been so terrified of him, and if he hadn't been in a bad mood anyway, she might have protested. At first she had herself wondering if he might have suspected. Or if he might have seen her before? Or if anyone else saw her together and told him about it? But none of these things were out of the question, as she never did much anyway were gone, except by the river or in the woods or strolling in the neighboring town, where no one knew them, or was he just really ready to do this out of sheer malice because he saw how happy she was lately?
The thing that upset her most was that he said “No more for once!” As if he were the most generous person on earth, because he allowed to stay longer in school!
How should she explain that to Sascha so that he understands it too ?? !! He would get upset that she just put up with it ... that she doesn't try to talk to him !! But he had no idea about the things that usually happened in her home. Nobody knew! And nobody can imagine how humiliating it is at almost 18 years of age to still get forbidden to chat with a friend or just go to study !!!!! And what's even more humiliating than that alone was the fact that she couldn't do anything, because he had such power over her ..... because she was afraid !!! She was paralyzed when he yelled at her and threw things at her head that made her wonder how he'd come up with something like that! She rarely resisted and even then she sat on her bed with tears and did not know what to do with her pain, because in such moments nobody had her! She was quite simply alone! Even if her sister always meant her well - herself in tears - wanted to comfort her, she couldn't help but withdraw from her. Because her sister had the same problem as her.
The loud break gong brought her out of her thoughts back to reality. Everything seemed clear to her again; not like earlier in the schoolyard. She quickly brushed a tear from her cheek and made her way to the fourth floor.
There was their meeting point, in front of room number 455! She'd spent almost every break up there with him in the past four weeks. Her heart felt a little warmer when she thought of Sascha and their time together. But the next moment she realized that this was now a thing of the past.
A lump formed in her throat as he smiled mischievously at her. "Now just keep your nerve and don't cry in front of him," she commanded herself and walked up to him.
"Hi honey!", Sascha greeted his girlfriend and gave her a kiss. She returned the kiss lightly and raised his eyes. He immediately asked her if everything was okay and if what had happened.
"You look like you've been crying ... are you okay?" He asked her in a comforting, gentle tone. For the first time she annoyed her that he was so attentive.
"It's nothing," she replied, barely audible to him, and looked down at her feet. They were silent for a moment. Then he hugged her in his arms and hugged her tenderly. She returned the hug and closed her eyes . Enjoy one last time in his strong protective arms. She took a deep breath to absorb his pleasantly familiar scent. She would miss everything about him ... she should never again feel his hands buried in her hair .. ... she should never again feel his lips, which they kissed gently and desirably ..... never again should she experience that! Never again should she experience his love! When she finally had confidence in him, this band became shattered again ...
She noticed how her eyes got hot, filled with tears and quickly pressed her face to his chest. It was only when she was sobbing softly that he realized she was crying. He looked at her with a concerned expression: "Please tell me what's going on!" She tried to regain her composure and took a few steps back from him. When she had calmed down somewhat, she began to explain to him:
"I thought a lot yesterday." So her first sentence began with a lie and she felt worse from minute to minute. Because in reality she had no reason to think about it yesterday. "About what exactly?" he followed and paced up and down before her.
He probably suspected what was coming, but he let her continue: "I don't think there is any future between us ... we are so different ... and besides, your parents wouldn't like me at all ... and oh you you are very different from me! ", she continued softly and turned her back to him." What are you talking about? That my parents don't like you, I doubt strongly ... and anyway, that would have you otherwise too not disturbed ... and what's going on all of a sudden? And what does that even mean? "he asks for an answer and touched her shoulder lightly. She startled and turned around. He looked straight at her. "We should stop," she said, to her own horror, suddenly completely cold and listless.
The sun shone from behind on her back in the window. From now on everything happened in slow motion. It was like a dream again. She looked at him begging for forgiveness. Tears were reflected in his eyes, which made his large, dark blue eyes sparkle in the sunlight. He was still looking at her. She did not escape his gaze. His gaze stung her heart like a sharp dagger. Slowly he averted his gaze from her:
"You were the one who wanted to start with ... and you finished it ... please ... I never really wanted to anyway !!" His words turned the dagger that was stuck in her chest upside down . He picked up his backpack and went down the stairs. She stared after him with stabbing pain and couldn't hold back her tears of desperation. She had lost him! Forever! And why? Because she wasn't strong enough to get through it No matter how much she suffered from her father's humiliations. She could have done it for her. For him and her!
She thought of the first time they'd walked by the river. It was one of the last warm days in late September. They met by chance while he was on his way home from his workout. She had been to the playground with her younger sister. She never expected to find him here. "Hello ... what are you doing here?", She asked him as he took a seat next to her on the park bench. She closed her book and turned to him. "I was just training," he replied and looked on the book on her lap, "What are you reading?" She put the book on the bench behind her, somewhat ashamed: "Oh, one of my favorite books ... that kitsch stuff ... I really like ..." smiled sideways at him, embarrassed. He grinned. "You row?", She quickly changed the subject, "I find it very interesting. For a long time?" They chatted a little about this and that. "Do you have some time later?" He finally asked, looking at her with sweet anticipation. "I don't know .." she replied. He grimaced in mock disappointment. "Although ...", she said and she told him that she would come back here at half past seven without her little sister! "Okay ... maybe we'll see you ...!", He said goodbye enthusiastically you.
Only an hour later she was waiting for his arrival at the playground. She had used the excuse for going out again, forgetting one of her sister's favorite sand toys. That had worked out very well, no one suspected that she had left the toys there.
After waiting five minutes, Sascha came up to her, face beaming with joy. They went for a walk. Even if it was only about 20 minutes, these were enough to make you fall in love. Both sides! She had already been in love with him without a doubt. But this time it wasn't just she who tried to win the love of the other. No, she too was allowed to experience what it means not to be alone ....... to be needed ..... to be loved ......!
And now it was all over and it was all her fault. Because she could have just continued with the stories that she would have had a long school. Her father could cause trouble at home, but it was school. But how long would that have gone well ...
They were plagued by feelings of guilt and intense self-doubt.
Sascha was all that was left to her ... and now he, the only one who could understand and wanted to understand, had stepped out of her life too. But only through their fault! Not being able to fight her father just because of her weakness!
She headed for the stairs. Everything in front of her was hazy with her tears. Everything around her seemed to sway, the ground under her feet seemed to vanish. Her knees went weak and could no longer hold her. With her hand she looked for the staircase that would save her, but her hand fasted into space. Her eyes went black and the last thing she heard was the dull sound of her body falling on the stairs while Sascha's voice shouted "No". Then there was silence.
Author : Miriam Bashabsheh
